Wisdom and Scars


I can't bring myself to do anything
But I sit here
Or there
I see myself kneeling in the corner
Head down
Hands clasped behind my neck
Maybe for a while
Time will stand still
Maybe the fire within
Won't be rekindled
Maybe there will be silence
I am in lockout
I'm not ignoring it all
You can only ignore it
If you know it's there
I lock out all my senses
From my surroundings
In this reality
I face only myself
Do not disturb
I wish to be left alone
This is my home


*


I keep on slipping
Get me away from myself
Fuck!
Always something
Can't ever get me above ground level
Once I'm there something happens
Always
Knocks me back in the ditch
Alone to fend for myself
Against myself, against it
Kicks the dirt down on me
In my face
Funny how sometimes I like it
Steps on my hands as I ascend
Me against forever something
The forever something
That just doesn't understand
It doesn't know
That I'm like the little kid
Who always bounces back up
Who doesn't cry when bullied
Who has an inexhaustible energy supply
Will not surrender!
Will not submit!
Good luck to whatever's next


*


Ignorance has spoken again
You love to hear yourself speak
What is it that drives you?
False pride, stupidity
Your empty words
Serve only to pollute my brain
Maybe if you could open your mind
Just half as much
As you open your mouth
You could see clearly
What a fool you are

Misinformation
Missed information
You present your opinions
But they have no foundation
So they can't be built upon
Everything you say
Results in the same dead end
And when you get there
You see no one's with you
And you still ramble on


*


Forgotten

And then Spring came
With its brighter days
And blooming flowers
But you left behind your sweater
Forgetting how cold it could get some nights
So when you find yourself wishing for it
Remembering its warmth and security
You were the one who left it behind


*


When I Fall

Not in front
Not behind
But beside

I walk with you my friend
Until the very end
Even if you're not around
Our trust knows no bounds

Where do I turn
When all turn me away
Where do I turn
When all betray and say,

"We've got problems
   of our own
"Go away and leave
   me alone"

When those I've helped
Choose to ignore
Turn their heads
And shut the door

When friends become strangers
I'm caught in disbelief
Emotions overwhelm
As I search for relief

And you are there


*


Give me all you've got man
'Cause if it can take my mind
Off of what I've been feeling
Then it's more than welcome
Nothing you can say about me
Is worse than what I've
Said or thought about myself
So say what you will
I'm safest when I'm alone
And yet I'm my own worst enemy
The enemy within, the struggle
Is what keeps me alive


*


Waiting for you is like
Being a blind and deaf man
Waiting for a train
It'll make a pass
But he won't know it
I wait for you
And suddenly everything else
Is easy to wait for
Great patience
Great discipline
You may take my body someday
But now you give to my soul
Many times I have wanted
Your hand on my shoulder
But what would I do if it
Was suddenly there?
In all the strength you have given me
Would I have the strength
To give it all back?  To surrender?
That is, if I had a choice...
In the meantime
I'll just wait for the train
To hit my stop
And maybe if I try hard enough
I will feel it coming


*


Places, memories!  Places!
We've got a show to put on
Can't let him forget
All the dumb shit he's said
All the dumb shit he's done
All the times he's let himself be used
We need to remind him
Of all the time he's wasted
Of all the people he's hated
Of the world he's created
Of all the things he'd rather forget
It's time to go to the corner
And sweep out all that shit
Back into the middle of the room
(His mind!)
He's alone now
Strap him down
Make him watch the show
Grab his heart
Grab his soul
Grab his pride
Break them.  Break him!
He is at your disposal
You are his creation
He is your nourishment
Beat him down, drain him!
But let him survive
So you can do it again


*


Have you ever gotten really pissed off and ugly
With someone close to you
And spent so much energy
Only to come away feeling empty and weak?
Yes?
Now, have you ever done that to yourself?
Yes?
Well, it's good to know I'm not alone


*


You're Mine

Eat me
For I am the lies
Hypocrisy
My clever disguise

My words
Are what you need
Your mind
Is what I bleed

Take me in
Part of me I give to you
Give yourself away
Part of me I've hid from you

You let me in
With a simple "please"
And I become
Your greatest disease

I engulf you
Ignorance made stronger
I live off you
And live that much longer


*


Knowing You

You know that warm feeling
Like getting up in the morning
Walking down the hall
Stepping in fresh dog shit
Feeling it squish
Between your toes
That's what it's like
Knowing you


*


You are a walking excuse
Boy without a reason
Sleepwalker
Walk through life
With your mind's eye closed
Sit on your ass
As long as you want
But don't complain
When it starts hurting
My eyes are blind to you
Just as yours are to society
Complacency
I know where I am
Do you know where you are?
You're nowhere
You get your life
From the TV screen
Everything's a joke to you
Laugh at it all
Deny reality
You need help
So do I
For wishing you gone


*


Difference

One girl was five months pregnant
Had her baby ripped out with a vacuum
Another was five months along too
But she miscarried
And felt so depressed
She wanted to take her own life

He didn't care about people
Stuck them in the back
All the way to the top
Of the corporate ladder
Another man cared for all
About the human condition
But got laughed at
And kicked in the face
By those he helped climb

A millionaire gave a buck
To the man on the street
While a young boy
Gave the same man
His last dollar

He said he just needed to talk
His friend said she didn't want to hear it
So he went home and slit his wrists
His mother went broke
Paying for the funeral
She told his mother
"If I only knew"
His mother said, "You did"
And mourned the loss
Of her only child
Until the day she died


*


I looked in the mirror this morning...
And had to do a double take.
I picked up my pen
And wondered...
What good is a hand?
I thought of the one
Who knows me best
And of those who think they know me
I wondered... what is death like?
I want to know
I think so, anyway
Today I think
I've done as much as I want to in life
And what am I going to do
With the 2/3 of it I still have left?
Today I remembered a dream I had
Many years ago
Today something happened again
That made me feel
That nothing's worth the trouble anymore
Today I wondered who my friends are
And would they be tomorrow?


*


Sullen

I thought you to be a visitor
But I was wrong
I thought you'd leave shortly
You've stayed too long

You've brought me down
Brought me so low
At times I feel
I've nowhere to go

I've grown so tired of you
You've out-stayed your welcome
I need some peace of mind
If I could only find some

I know you well
But who am I now?
Try to rid myself of you
But I don't know how

So I ask of you
Please, please go home
I just wish now
To be alone


*


He hides near the edge
There he cannot be seen
Don't be fooled into thinking he doesn't exist
That's when he'll pull you and throw you over the edge
He'll laugh out loud as you fall
He has claimed you
He tries to blind you
Ignorance and complacency are his tools
Do you know when he's working on you?
If not, you'd better learn to recognize the signs
Your anger can feed him or defeat him
It's entirely up to you
Do you feel him inside of you?
He works his way through to the surface
You can feel his cold steel under your flesh
He wants you over the edge so bad
Don't let him hide from you
Don't let him befriend you
Destroy him when you have the chance
It's the only one you'll get


*


This is not my doing
I couldn't have done this to myself
Brought it all down so low
Or is it just...
I don't know why I do it
I remember you
Nameless one
Though it's been a while
Now that we're face to face
Again
I think I've kind of missed you
Somehow you tempt me to stay
Offering some twisted protection
I don't think I'll stay much longer
But I'll be back
By my own accord I am sure
To walk with you again


*


Fall's here again
I've heard so many people say it before
And now I find myself saying it
I can't believe summer went by so quick
I don't like fall
I'd rather skip through on to winter
I have no idea where the last three months went
The first smell of heat coming from the vents...
It's actually made this depression worse
Sometimes I think I'm never going to shake it
All I feel is my heart pounding
I know I've hit that slump again:
I find myself slouched over when seated
It's hard to speak
I want to get to know someone new
It's the same shit again
I wish I knew what triggered it
I wish I had an edge over it this time
I'm thinking back five years when it really started
This whole time it's been there
I've just been covering it up
Or diverting its attention
I could lie and say that I don't miss it one damn bit
I guess it's all right to maintain balance
But I really wish it would go away when I want it to
I don't know if it's bitterness in disguise
I laughed at it once
But it laughed last


*


He induced the darkness:
To others it would be unfamiliar
And maybe even terrifying
But not to him
He'd lived in and out of it too long
On some days he even felt
Like it gave him power
Through its comforting embrace
He thought it strange and ironic
That pure nothingness
Could have such substance
At least in his world it did
Even if they didn't understand
Redemption was his tonight


*


11.10.95
Tears of frustration
Angry at I don't know what
Every muscle and tendon tight
Pacing the floor
And I came crashing down
Hard
This was a new experience for me
Never has a low followed so quickly
I couldn't stop it
Even though I felt it coming
When the workday ends
There's always a slow down period
But nothing like this before
I am so torn up inside
That I couldn't even see it
I came so close to smashing
My fist in the wall
Now I want to do it again
I was numb with tension
Then suddenly Jell-O
I got pins and needles in my head
Like right before you cry
And that's when I knew
That I was crashing
And now
I...
I don't even know
I guess I'm dead to it all again...
For the time being...
I don't want to lift my head up
From my hand
I can only listen to myself think
And wonder where this going


*


So you think that you've got me again
You think that you're such a tough guy
Well, let me tell you
I know just what you want
Maybe at one time I was easy prey
For you, for them
But time has changed all of this
No longer does your haze blind me
Now I see with great precision
Now I feel with insane accuracy
What was once incoherent
Is now my greatest tool and weapon
But never to be used against you
Because it feeds on you
But I will use it against them
I channel you into another form
You won't even know yourself
When I'm through with you
The heat you send I reflect as light
Blinding you
Now I'm in control


*


Running through these memories of you
I am in near paralysis
All the energy I have
Sucked into my brain
Churning out pseudo feelings of you
Stillness
Dead stare
Staring into my past
And rolling the tapes
Visions feeding my eyes, brain and heart
I am extremely unstable at these times
At least it happens mostly when I'm alone
Alone in dark, sulking silence
Creativity runs wild
I think of things now irrelevant
What I should have said
How I should have responded
What I would say and do if I met you again
How much your smile meant to me
How many times you made my day
Where are you now?


*


Fool
To think that way
To think I know
The first thing about you
A confession I made
Now a promise to myself
Concerning others like you
And unlike you
I'm in it alone
Look out for your own
I am my only own
Anger will not blind me
Nor will hatred
They will pierce through
Divide the smog
Produced by those
Who attempt to hinder progress


*


If I was one of them
I'd just tell you
"Cheer up
It can't be that bad"
But I'm not them
I want you to tell me
Why you feel as you do
I want you to look me in the eyes
Not to turn from them
Maybe I share your boredom
Or loneliness
Or fears
Even if a hundred others
Didn't seem to understand or listen
I want you to give me that chance
Only a handful of people
Know that it hurts to care
This sacrifice I will make for you


*


Bruised battered tattered torn
Born
Into this world
Given what he did not ask for

Given into their forces
Lashing out
At what he thought was wrong
He drew back a stump


*


Pain from the past
An unresolved emotional conflict
I tear myself apart again tonight
Give them what they want
And they will change their minds
And want something else
Time after time after time
Silence but for the crickets and highway traffic
Frustration keeps me awake at night
My payment for a busy day at work
That kept my thoughts at bay
I don't want to be hollow again tonight
Hypocrisy and contradiction have teamed up again tonight
Taking turns slugging at my brain
Finally all three lay exhausted
Resting for tomorrow's bout


*


Gripping
The electric chair
Living
A life in despair
I am
Tomorrow's forgotten one
I am
Hope's bastard son


*


Time in limbo
A heart poured out on purple paper
Memories resurface
Owner giving in to them once again
Consequences coincidences
It all took him down again


*


He had no woman
He had no money
He had no peace of mind
What he did have:
A pair of slit wrists
A river of blood and lost dreams
And his demons at his side


*


You are the acid rain
You are the chemical peel
Underneath, stained with pain
Reveal what I feel

Top layer melted away
Flaws no longer hid
Wounds and scars here to stay
Those things I said and did...


*


Fault line tremors
The foundation shook
Took and twisted what he knew so well
No permanent damage
But certainly never to be the same
Just another rendering


*


The Bliss of Ninety-eight Six

Here I am in a warm comfy place.
My liquid palace and sanctity.
In this darkness I can see for miles without opening an eye.
Curled in a ball I fade in and out of consciousness.
Muffled sounds pass through my tender flesh.
I grow stronger everyday.
I am untarnished, un-scarred, whole-hearted and free.
I don't know where I came from.
I don't know if I am headed anywhere.
I stretch to feel the newly formed muscle's resilience.
Electricity courses through my nerve clusters.
I can't believe I have it so well.
This is the bliss of ninety-eight six.

I am torn from what I knew so well!
Sounds emanate from me in a way I never could have imagined!
Intense light scours my retina!
I find myself living in a plastic box!
Never used to hunger!
Never used to thirst!
Never needed a touch!
What have they done to me?!

I now know that world was never real.
I know this is reality now.
I am tarnished, scarred, broken-hearted and imprisoned within myself.
I have been fed their lies and bathed in their dirt.
I have been tricked and hurt.
I have loved and lost.
I cannot escape through the very bars that I have forged to protect myself.


*


She pulled the box from the drawer
As she slid the drawer back in the dresser
A memory resurfaced of a day several years ago:

    His body in a drawer in the morgue
    Being slid back in with the others
    Positively identified
    By tear-soaked eyes and trembling lips
    Weakened knees carried her back to the bus stop
    Sitting on the bench, she pulled from her purse
    A single white feather
    He had given it to her three years ago
    Told her it came from a fallen angel
    That it embodied what was good
    But now he was dead by the hand of another
    Once home she found the feather a new home
    In a box
    Buried in the back of a drawer

Inside the box the feather was as it always had been
Her finger brushed once across the feather's surface
And the box was closed and put away again
The sun outside her door shone brightly
So the tears hid behind a pair of Ray-Bans
And found her heart filled with uncertainty and doubt
Closing the gate behind her
Stuck upon a post she found a single white feather
She found it a new home
In the purse at her side


*


The Shield

Thirteen inches remain
Between what I was
And what I think I now am
And what I can't forget

Thirteen inches divide
What I should have done
And what I did
What I learned and what I apply

Thirteen inches constrict
Won't let me go too far
Focus the line of sight
Burning through the core

Thirteen inches reveal
What it was I felt then
What it is I know now
What I have tried to conceal

The pain ripens with time
Thirteen inches beyond
The wisdom remains un-blind
Wearing the fool's crown

Thirteen inches won't give or take
It borrows from me
Pays me back tenfold
And completes the circle