EVIL Inc


I sprung up from the ground wearing only boxers and a tank top. The sun beating down upon my face must have awakened me.  Dripping wet, I wiped the stinging sweat from my eyes and glanced around. A trailer sat behind and to my right. It wasn't one of those house trailers, though. It was a big, industrial-looking beast. Besides that, all I could see were miles of desert stretching, rising and falling about me. The sand's yellow hue was almost pure white as the sun reflected off of it and into my squinting eyes. My throat parched from the heat, I turned and was about to head into the trailer in hopes of quenching my thirst. My first step now taken, out of the corner of my eye I caught something glimmering atop one of the dunes. I turned back around to face it.

After a few seconds, I could make out the object coming toward me. It was a brilliant pearl white limousine, it looked like something out of the late seventies. Its chrome was bouncing the sun's rays in every direction as it struggled to maintain a straight course in the shifting sand. To my disbelief, by the time it was a hundred or so feet away, it had transformed into an ice cream truck, like those that I had chased as a child. Was I seeing things? Maybe it was just the heat frying my brain like eggs on a skillet. I didn't have much time to ponder the thought. Given the truck's speed and direction (it was now headed for me and apparently had no intention of stopping), I figured my life's last remaining second would consist of my being slammed into the air and my body being broken upon the wall of the trailer. I closed my eyes and planned to enjoy that last second for what it was worth.


*


All I felt was a spray of sand across my skin and the heat from the explosion as the truck rammed into the trailer. At least I thought the truck had hit the trailer. As I turned to check out the blaze, I saw that the truck had apparently exploded right before impact. There were but a few scorch marks upon the trailer wall. The driver must have slid in the sand again just before hitting me. Well, I thought to myself, at least this has probably taught me to not take the rest of my life for granted. Still dazed, I turned back from the smoldering wreck. As I walked around to the other side of the diminishing inferno, I saw that the driver's flesh had nearly finished being turned into carbon deposits upon the truck's metal remains. I would have gazed longer but the heat was too intense. Once again I headed for the door of the trailer.


*


Just as before, my trek was interrupted. As I walked around the side of the trailer, I saw a jet diving out of the sky (wouldn't you know it, in my general direction). Within a hundred or so yards of the trailer, it suddenly veered off its straight dive, burst into flames, buried itself nose first several feet deep in the desert sand and exploded. Two more jets looked to be taken out the same way as the first. The second jet left its steep dive, burst into flames, continued about a quarter mile, then disintegrated. The third jet turned out to be the exception. It strayed from its course as the others had, but it never burst into flames. It had, however, ejected its pilot. I ran toward the parachute and the limp body strung below it.

The pilot lay barely conscious and bleeding profusely from the head. His eyes were deep red, filled with blood vessels that had burst. He reached into his flight suit and handed me a blood-soaked business card. Gasping for air and choking on his blood, he cleared his throat and mumbled his final words to someone who had no idea what he was talking about.

"The toilet... you must destroy...," he said; and with that he perished. And also with that, I figured he must have been delirious from the trauma.

I looked down at my hand to read the upside-down card. I flipped it over, but not without some resistance. The coagulated blood made the card stick to my flesh as though it were super-glued. The card came off of my hand with more blood than it originally had, as well as with a quarter inch of my flesh. Through the crimson stains I could make out only the title of a company. It was some place called Evans, Victor, Ingram Lavatories Incorporated. Confused, I tossed the card into the air. It could very well have been that dehydration was setting into my brain, but I swear that thing sprouted wings like a bat and flew off. Or maybe it was just a wind gust took it away. Either way, I wasn't about to stick around to see if it came back. I headed for the front of the trailer.


*


This time I actually made it to the door.

 
*


As things would have it, the front of the trailer had that toilet company's name from the business card plastered all over it. OK, I thought. Whatever, just let there be some bottled water or something in there. Walking up the four stairs to the door, I slipped on something oozing down the stairs and I nearly fell back onto the sand. I quickly grabbed the handle to the door in order to keep my balance. The sun-baked steel handle had begun to burn my flesh as I flung the door open. Even with the sun, that metal shouldn't have been that hot, I thought to myself.

Inside, the fowl stench was very much like that of any porta-crapper. It was only slightly worse since it was probably 130 degrees in there. Upon taking my second breath, I realized that there was a slightly distinct smell above all the funk. At first I thought that maybe it was disinfectant overpowered by the smell of the excrement. A second later I recognized it, it was sulfur. Stranger things had happened in the last few minutes, I didn't care to wonder why I smelled sulfur. To my right were two sinks with cabinets below. I knelt down only to find that they were empty. I slammed the cabinet door shut in frustration.

No sooner had I gotten up from my knees than a deep, powerful drone vibrated my insides something fierce. It trailed off slightly after a second or two but remained deep enough to continue to rumble my guts. The initial shock wave had caused my nose to bleed and there was now a steady drip escaping from both my nostrils. With nothing available in the immediate area to care to my nose, I opened the door to the row of toilet stalls hoping to find some tissue. At that point I paused as I recalled what the pilot had said - destroy the toilet. And there I was in a room full of them. I decided there and then that I was somehow involuntarily involved in something that looked to be an ugly situation. On top of that I was half naked, disillusioned and dripping with blood. Great.

 
*


For some reason, the last stall was the only one with a toilet in it. Nonetheless, six stalls and not one roll of toilet paper in any of them. I stood there and relieved my bladder into the porcelain while cursing and watching as the blood from my nose mixed in with the water and urine. I pulled my boxers back up, neglected to flush the toilet, and went out to look for toilet paper in the storage box across the room.

One lonesome roll of tissue was all there was. I didn't bother trying to squeeze my nose to stop the bleeding. I rolled up the tissue and plugged both my nostrils. Still, within seconds I could feel the warmth of the blood penetrate through the tissue. At least it wouldn't be flowing freely. With that out of the way, I even noticed that the drone had seemed to diminish ever so slightly. Maybe it's all passing, I thought. Then I heard the toilet flush. Curiosity got the best of me and I went to look in the stall.

 
*


I had one foot through the stall entrance when the door swung shut and knocked me straight into the opposing wall and the toilet. As my head cracked against the wall, one of the bloody plugs fell out of my nose and into the toilet. As soon as it hit the water the drone hit me again. Disoriented and falling to the floor, in an effort to steady myself I knocked the top of the tank off the toilet. It hit my foot right before it hit the floor, shattering pieces everywhere as my foot split wide open, spraying blood all over the side of the toilet. What seemed like raw sewage immediately shot out of the bowl. Green and brown liquefied excrement went straight to the ceiling and fell back down upon me. Smelled of rotting flesh, excrement and sulfur. I hopped over to the door and burned my hands on its super-heated metal but there was no way it would open. I thought of the pilot again. Destroy the toilet.

The toilet had stopped spewing and was now sucking whatever remained in the bowl back down into the pipes. This was my chance. I still had the roll of tissue when I hit the floor. I grabbed the toilet paper and within seconds had the whole thing unrolled and wadded into a ball. I threw as many small pieces of the broken porcelain into the bowl as I could. A small cup was in the corner and I threw that in. The crapper was making the most awful sound, like a trash compactor but ten times louder and with an inhuman growl. It sucked the porcelain and the cup straight down. Careful to not let any more of my blood drip in, I jammed the ball of toilet paper into the bowl. It began to fail but after a few seconds returned to full strength. I had one last idea.

I smashed the remaining large piece of porcelain into several smaller chunks. I took off my tank top, threw the porcelain onto it, and rolled it up small enough to jam it down the pipe. I did so and almost drew back a stump. Within seconds the thing seemed to clog and give up its fury. The drone and the rumble in my gut immediately ceased. My back to the wall, I slid down to the tank and ripped out as much of the plumbing as I could. With my good foot and what little strength I had remaining, I kicked the tank clear off the bowl. As I stood to my feet, what would be the last strange event occurred. The toilet bowl had filled with blue water. I found that slightly unbelievable considering what had just previously been expelled from it. As quickly as the thought came, so it passed. The door had creeped open and I wasted no time getting out. I limped out of the stall area into the front of the trailer. I took a quick look at my foot and then opened the main door to leave that place once and for all. No sooner did the light of day welcome me than I slipped on that same ooze on the stairs, falling to the desert sand and knocking myself unconscious on the staircase.

 
*


I awoke drenched in sweat. But this time I was in my bed. I thought to myself, that was one the craziest dreams I think I have ever had. I stood up relieved to be in no pain and free of bloody clothing. Dying of thirst I walked into the bathroom for a drink of water. After downing two glasses of water, I walked over to the toilet. As I relieved myself I stared into the toilet's crystal clear water and recalled questioning the toilet's blue water in the dream. Absolutely silly dream I thought to myself. I reached over and flushed the toilet. Pulling up my boxers I backed up and watched in horror as the bowl overflowed with blue water...